After what happened last night, I realize that I may need to rethink alcohol drinking. Last night was malignant, for many reasons. I slept with someone I had zero intentions of ever even hugging. I cannot remember how it happened, when or why. All I know is, I was severely inebriated. That, my dear, is the main problem.
Other things I am mad about, albeit not as high up on the malignancy chart as an unplanned one night stand, are: having flashbacks at random times, remembering that I slept with him in the presence of the boy I was seeing (whew), and not being able to recall what exactly happened.
I can honestly do better. I should honestly do better. I hope to do better. So my goal is to reduce – to zero – my alcohol consumption, indefinitely. I say ‘indefinitely’ and not ‘forever’ because I learn from past mistakes. This would be my fifth time declaring that I am ‘never’ drinking alcohol again. It clearly does not work. So here is to ‘indefinitely’ living without alcohol.
While I’m at it, I should say my planned man-fast begins now. (I had begun mentally preparing myself for a year-long man-fast after the current situation-ship ends, preferrably in December). Not only do I need to re-align my values and be intentional with whom I allow into my heart…and vagina, I am emotionally exhausted, constipated. My heart needs a long strong detox. I have determined that I can get to know and befriend boys all I want, but it shall end at platonic relationships.
I always like to take experiences, good and bad, and make them learning opportunities. Like this one – for example, alcohol makes me think stupid ideas are great. So I’m learning to manage (scrap that – I’m learning to do without) alcohol. Drinking gives me selective amnesia, such that I remember only aspects of an experience. And I do not appreciate not knowing the full story. So I’m learning to love life in its entirety and, therefore, cutting out alcohol and its memory-cutting effects.
I learnt that you have to be honest – with yourself and with people around you. If I were honest with myself, I would realize that I did what I did because I subconsciously wanted to ruin my chances with the guy I actually liked. I knew it was not long term. I knew it would not last. I knew I would get hurt. So I subconsciously took matters into my own hands.
This is entirely in retrospect because I had not thought of this before the fact. I am in fact still infuriated because I have no idea what led to us crossing the line from acquaintances to sexual partners. It had never been an option for me.
Nevertheless it happened, and safe to say my chances with the boy I liked are dead. If not because he dumps me, then because my era of relationships and sex is temporarily ending, for my year-long fast.
(Written in 2018)
*Update: we ended up dating, after my year-long man-fast. It did not work out, however, it has been my best relationship thus far. Safe to say I shan’t be quitting alcohol again anytime soon.